Life

Winter break has begun and many hours of boredom will ensue...I like it.
I don't know why being bored or "unproductive" is highly disdained...or being busy is "good". Being busy is being busy,,,.being bored is being bored. I'm a teacher, student, athlete, and musician...Business is something that consumes me and getting away from it as much as I can is something I pursue with passion. Being bored and doing jack shit is AWESOME...why is busy so cool? To the point where it become competitive...what the hell?

I went to NY. It was cool. Felt good to actually be "living" there for a week. And I didnt take one single picture...which is cool. I let myself live there and absorb everything. My english teacher did comment on the fact that tourists just take too many pictures...they dont really seem to actually breath in and enjoy where they are at...they focus on their pictures.
Anyways, I didnt do the typical tourist thing...I stayed in a pretty ghetto uptown apartment but thats probably where I would want to stay anyway. I saw all kinds of people going up and down the city ont eh train, going far uptown to far downtown. It was cool...lots of food. And the trip also helped me gain more inspiration for what I consider to be my life's work in music...share my art which has been cultivated by where I am from...and it's not NY...where everythign seems to be "hapenning"...my art is from Houston...spring branch...the world will know.

Winter break training is going pretty well...there are some obvious poundage gains from allt he baked desserts I am eating...whatev...i tend to gain and lose weight very easily so im not too concerned. Our first indoor meet is Jan 12th in Arkansas and I am truly excited to finally be eligible to compete and not have to red shirt like i did last yr! I dont start discus until March when outdoor season starts so until then ill be focusing a pretty good deal on shot-put while occasionally going back to discus. In march, however, ill be focusing on discus and letting shot put die out even though i will still compete int eh event.

Trombone is going pretty well...especially after a well-needed break during my NY trip. Come to think of it, I haven't taken more than a week off in maybe the last 3 yrs. Lots of players will do a week off atleast once a year! I'm playing a recital int he spring so I will be preparing hardcore for that...to rock faces off...hellz yeah. My friend Weston of the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra will come to UH to give amasterclass so that also something to look forward to. Orchestra for the semester seems to be pretty damned bland as far as trombone parts go and event he rep in genral just doesnt seem interesting. Oh well. Next year we will be doing Scheherezade and russian easter overutre among other things so ill look forward to that.

ite guys, gotta get up early for a gig.

Merriest of Christmas'

JL

June

To and for my brother with every fiber of my heart...

June

I have never loved him more than I love him now. For now I look into his heart and what I see is something this world fails to know everyday. His heart is like water…fragile, sensitive, flowing, light. His heart is honest, caring,

My brother June is a bit different. They say he has schizophrenia…and not the highly commercialized perception…if that even exists. They say he lives in an imaginary world most of the time…they say he is depressed…they say his mind does not function correctly.,,,they say he is detached from emotion at times…not knowing when to connect one emotion to the other…Yes, it is true, on the surface my brother’s issues cannot exist in our world. He can’t function the way we would want him to…he cant understand the way we want him to…but he is beautiful…he is pure…and what his heart knows is something the world is lacking a great deal.

Before he faded into his current state, I knew what the world saw of him and accepted for about the first twelve years of my life. Even then he was considered kind of an oddball…though very handsome (a lady killer, quite frankly)…he was very sensitive, odd, “out there”. He drew art…and not only did he draw art…he drew amazing art…award winning, in fact. His creativity was his most amazing feature…he tapped into worlds unknown by many…unaccepted by most…unwilling to comprehend by others. His brain is always thinking, extraordinarily…realizing beauties the world is blind to…and this is “odd” to us. Indeed, his mind was and still is something unlike this world.

He had a very unique sense of humor…often misunderstood and maybe seen as goofy or odd. But I loved it…it was pure, it was honest, and it was real…too real for the world to know it was funny…too pure for anyone to be willing to laugh at it…too honest for anyone to admit…

And for those twelve years of my life, he fit the definition of the perfect brother…he loved me with everything he had…he kissed me everyday-more than I ever wanted him too…he carried me…he slept by me as a baby that was ten years younger than him…he got me into sports…taught me how to throw a spiral…told me to believe in myself…told me to give it my all… As we both grew, ten years apart in age, he continued that love for me… i remember many times bike ride,- him operating the bike, me straddling the bike frame with a seat that he made from several blankets. We’d ride to dairy queen, the movies, his friends houses…I was in his arms all the time.

I don’t think I have ever told him I that I love him…I don’t think he ever heard it…then, all I knew was him…and to be with him all the time seemed natural and given…

In the summer of 1998 my brother started hallucinating…he saw things that were not there…he heard things that we couldn’t hear. Treatment followed and progress was made…

Then came a dive into drugs and alcohol…though many seem to function with the combination of the two…my brother’s silk heart was easily tainted…he got into trouble…he was abused…he met the wrong people…he was attacked…he suffered…he was isolated from my family as a problem…he was abused…he was told he was no good…my father telling him to leave the family…me telling him that no one wanted him around…me yelling at him…almost hating him while I was in high school…I hated him for not being the person that I wanted him to be…the person the world wanted him to be…I was hating the person who loved me with all of his heart before the day I was born. The things I said…the things we all said…how could anyone handle it…and such trauma was part of his whole life…he moved here from korea when he was seven..to a foreign land…he was left at home alone because my parents had tow ork..he cried from the momtn they left until the moment they cam eback…he was scared…he dealt with extraordinary struggle of an immigrating child…he came before me…he guided me through this world…he went through it…not me…all the horror…he went through it…and protected me from it

Regrets, pain, sorrow…this is where we find ourselves sometimes…but its no one’s fault really…what is –is what is.

I am at odds with the spiritual reality…the more I maintain my faith…the more I hurt…the more I cry…

WHY God? Why does pain even exist? Don’t you run this shit? Why are humans doomed? Don’t you run this shit?

The question is simple…primitive, even. But is it valid? Yes. Faith, james…keep faith...often told to me by people who are not in my shoes…faith, yes…it can be attained…but what should I base it off? The high number of people who recover from mental illness?...sarcasm. The high number of mentally ill people who have had the bible beaten on their heads…and NOT “entered the kingdom of heaven”? The complete unfairness of the preaching…that who so ever shall not love God will burn in eternal suffering…people like the mentally ill who are not capable of comprehending Christianity and are at mercy of what GOD ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?( Yes, because he is, in fact, the creator of all). Is that right? Is that Christianity, really? Does Christianity send the mentally ill to HELL because they weren’t able to comprehend the word?

Yes, to me, there is a God…but God in the real sense has not been shown to me…there is something else…has to be…there has to be a certain truth…my brother is a testament to that.

Maybe we should accept it…that is reality…accept it and live with it as a beautiful situation…that is better…that is what makes sense. I don’t understand why we should see it as him being damned for eternity? Is this Christianity?

I spend time with him now…his overly active brain is now numbed by medications…he is no longer the June that we once new…he is the June that God created…what we know now…what is true. Before just a few days ago for years ( hes been at a “house for weird people” in LA) I coudlnt communicate with him…I wasn’t willing to accept what he is…because it hurt me…because it ripped my heart…but now…we communicate…we talk…we hold conversations…we act like brothers…something I haven’t done with him since I was 12…yeh, he still murmurs to himself…he still makes up certain events that have happened…he still believes the social security is holding 800,000 dollars for him…but he is my brother…and I know him…the love he gave to me helps me…it guides me…to understand…to believe…to share…to see into his heart…

We talk, sometimes he makes stuff up…but what he says…its beautiful,,,its true to him…it serves as a manifestation of his heart…its what the world lacks…someone who taps into what is beautiful. Sometimes it feels as if he is talking to himself like he has been doing forever…sometimes he talks to me…like a regular person…something we haven’t done in years.

I always remember him being upset at what the world see as slight mishaps…perhaps something someone said or did…it bothered him for hours…often reoccurring in his mind sometimes maybe a month later…

Hyung, as I call him, has opened my heart to the universe. I hear what he rambles to himself…I come to understand why he gets upset…I want to know what he is thinking…

Schizophrenics are said to be in an imaginary world. My brother is known to be in an imaginary world…but who is closer to reality? We live our lives ignoring so many important issues…we lie to ourselves…we don’t answer to our hearts…we spend all of our time coping with what is essentially wrong…we dont answer to our heart…we don’t love in every sense of the word…we’re afraid to put our emotions on display...we accept denial…we pursue prestige…we envy…we lie…what can be more far from reality?

Maybe we have one purpose in life…we live our life for each other…we sacrifice everything we have for just one other person…Hyung does it for me. His life is a sacrifice…his whole life…it opens my eyes, my heart, my everything…with every day that he lives, reality for me exists…truth exists, honesty exists…as I am writing this, this damned Microsoft words tells me how I shouldn’t write this…for what? What is the importance of that? WHAT?

Hyung, I love you…you gave me everything I have…everything I know…everything I love…God gave you to me…one day we will know what God has in store…the world will change because of you…the world will know what love is…the world will know truth…because of you…because I remember everything…the bike rides, the kisses, the hugs, the pain, the abuse, the struggle, loving me with everything you had. We don’t show affection to each other lik we used to when I was little…your reality keeps us from doing it for now…just wait for me. With your every breath I learn something new…your existence…your “ailment” gives me passion…it gives me closure…it gives me faith…I cant even imagine what you had to go through…the trauma…even if you don’t know it now…you will know that I love you…the world doesn’t live the way you think it should…and it angers you to the core of your heart…and I understand…you’ve tried your hardest to be the person you want to be…and the world doesn’t bother to understand you…I know why youre upset…and youre right

one day we’ll be together again…

the way it used to be…

in beauty