Outlook for Spring/Summer 2008

Well, another winter season is in full swing (and waning, just about) and this is usually a time of anticipation and planning for me in both music and athletics.
Additionally, in 2008, I do hope to write more...not only in terms of updating and blogging...but I really would like continue my briefly lost fever to write about pretty much anything that I am dealing with or thinking about. This habit seems to have left me but it shall resume!! Have I been too busy or mentally occupied?...maybe...but that is a shame and a fault that only I am responsible for. Some topics floating in my head are:
Politics- how, as only an observer (as opposed to being an active promoter of a thought or political party) I notice how politics have become nothing more than an entertaining shouting match thus losing it's essential purpose.
Religion- how people fail to question in order to find understanding or furthur appreciation
Love- isn't love for others or things the most important of all things...being more important and taking precedence over ANYTHING else in life...
My family-beautiful things happen in this house (that I currently live in...but not for long) everyday.

I hope I get to these by the spring.

And here are some thoughts via the usual split of "Music" and "Athletics":

MUSIC
I do have auditions coming up...
Looks like there's a good chance I will be auditioning for the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra. They are seeking a 2nd trombonist/utility trombonist. I have visited the city and also met members of their current trombone section. The city is AMAZING and the guys I met are players that I admire VERY MUCH. This audition is March 2nd.
The New York Philharmonic will soon hold an audition for a new Assistant Principal trombonist. When they announce the date, I'm sure I'll be sending a resume. Yeah, me...New York Philharmonic...haha. But eh, these auditions don't always come up. Not quite sure when this audition will be. I'm guessing late spring.
San Antonio Symphony is looking for an assistant principal/second trombonist. This is May 5th.

MY playing is currently WILDLY out of shape. In fact, it may be the worst it has ever been. My lip issues are still lingering from my lip injury in which I took about a month's time off...combine that with my trombone being damaged and kept in the shop for two weeks, and a cold and BAM...there are some out of shape chops. But, it's just a matter of gettin back into it an plugging away. So, the next few weeks aren't going to be fun (mainly because no one likes to sound bad...even when practicing). But I CAN play now...thank you Jesus.

Athletics
It is indeed winter and my goals and focus for the 2008 season are becoming much more refined (as is the case every year about this time). Gladly, this year I will not have an indoor season (which usually takes place during the months of Jan and Feb) which occupies me with the shot-put...I am not a shot-put thrower! So, for this I am glad. I can focus the early 2008 months on more off-season discus training.
I have a better idea of my body dimensions for this season. It is much different from past seasons in which I typically compete at about 295lbs!. This year, I will be at 260lbs. Currently i am about 270...so my target date for this will be around mid-Feb. I also am aiming to have a very strong core and abdominals this season. The aim is to have a leaner body but be stronger than ever. THIS WILL TAKE SOME WORK. The challenge is to lose fat yet maintain and even build more muscle mass...One day it's gonna have to just click in...badass mode. Olympic Trials are the goal.


well there it is...

holler

June

written Dec 4th, 2006

To and for my brother with every fiber of my heart...

June

I have never loved him more than I love him now. For now I look into his heart and what I see is something this world fails to know everyday. His heart is like water…fragile, sensitive, flowing, light. His heart is honest, caring,

My brother June is a bit different. They say he has schizophrenia…and not the highly commercialized perception…if that even exists. They say he lives in an imaginary world most of the time…they say he is depressed…they say his mind does not function correctly.,,,they say he is detached from emotion at times…not knowing when to connect one emotion to the other…Yes, it is true, on the surface my brother’s issues cannot exist in our world. He can’t function the way we would want him to…he cant understand the way we want him to…but he is beautiful…he is pure…and what his heart knows is something the world is lacking a great deal.

Before he faded into his current state, I knew what the world saw of him and accepted for about the first twelve years of my life. Even then he was considered kind of an oddball…though very handsome (a lady killer, quite frankly)…he was very sensitive, odd, “out there”. He drew art…and not only did he draw art…he drew amazing art…award winning, in fact. His creativity was his most amazing feature…he tapped into worlds unknown by many…unaccepted by most…unwilling to comprehend by others. His brain is always thinking, extraordinarily…realizing beauties the world is blind to…and this is “odd” to us. Indeed, his mind was and still is something unlike this world.

He had a very unique sense of humor…often misunderstood and maybe seen as goofy or odd. But I loved it…it was pure, it was honest, and it was real…too real for the world to know it was funny…too pure for anyone to be willing to laugh at it…too honest for anyone to admit…

And for those twelve years of my life, he fit the definition of the perfect brother…he loved me with everything he had…he kissed me everyday-more than I ever wanted him too…he carried me…he slept by me as a baby that was ten years younger than him…he got me into sports…taught me how to throw a spiral…told me to believe in myself…told me to give it my all… As we both grew, ten years apart in age, he continued that love for me… i remember many times bike ride,- him operating the bike, me straddling the bike frame with a seat that he made from several blankets. We’d ride to dairy queen, the movies, his friends houses…I was in his arms all the time.

I don’t think I have ever told him I that I love him…I don’t think he ever heard it…then, all I knew was him…and to be with him all the time seemed natural and given…

In the summer of 1998 my brother started hallucinating…he saw things that were not there…he heard things that we couldn’t hear. Treatment followed and progress was made…

Then came a dive into drugs and alcohol…though many seem to function with the combination of the two…my brother’s silk heart was easily tainted…he got into trouble…he was abused…he met the wrong people…he was attacked…he suffered…he was isolated from my family as a problem…he was abused…he was told he was no good…my father telling him to leave the family…me telling him that no one wanted him around…me yelling at him…almost hating him while I was in high school…I hated him for not being the person that I wanted him to be…the person the world wanted him to be…I was hating the person who loved me with all of his heart before the day I was born. The things I said…the things we all said…how could anyone handle it…and such trauma was part of his whole life…he moved here from korea when he was seven..to a foreign land…he was left at home alone because my parents had tow ork..he cried from the momtn they left until the moment they cam eback…he was scared…he dealt with extraordinary struggle of an immigrating child…he came before me…he guided me through this world…he went through it…not me…all the horror…he went through it…and protected me from it

Regrets, pain, sorrow…this is where we find ourselves sometimes…but its no one’s fault really…what is –is what is.

I am at odds with the spiritual reality…the more I maintain my faith…the more I hurt…the more I cry…

WHY God? Why does pain even exist? Don’t you run this shit? Why are humans doomed? Don’t you run this shit?

The question is simple…primitive, even. But is it valid? Yes. Faith, james…keep faith...often told to me by people who are not in my shoes…faith, yes…it can be attained…but what should I base it off? The high number of people who recover from mental illness?...sarcasm. The high number of mentally ill people who have had the bible beaten on their heads…and NOT “entered the kingdom of heaven”? The complete unfairness of the preaching…that who so ever shall not love God will burn in eternal suffering…people like the mentally ill who are not capable of comprehending Christianity and are at mercy of what GOD ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?( Yes, because he is, in fact, the creator of all). Is that right? Is that Christianity, really? Does Christianity send the mentally ill to HELL because they weren’t able to comprehend the word?

Yes, to me, there is a God…but God in the real sense has not been shown to me…there is something else…has to be…there has to be a certain truth…my brother is a testament to that.

Maybe we should accept it…that is reality…accept it and live with it as a beautiful situation…that is better…that is what makes sense. I don’t understand why we should see it as him being damned for eternity? Is this Christianity?

I spend time with him now…his overly active brain is now numbed by medications…he is no longer the June that we once new…he is the June that God created…what we know now…what is true. Before just a few days ago for years ( hes been at a “house for weird people” in LA) I coudlnt communicate with him…I wasn’t willing to accept what he is…because it hurt me…because it ripped my heart…but now…we communicate…we talk…we hold conversations…we act like brothers…something I haven’t done with him since I was 12…yeh, he still murmurs to himself…he still makes up certain events that have happened…he still believes the social security is holding 800,000 dollars for him…but he is my brother…and I know him…the love he gave to me helps me…it guides me…to understand…to believe…to share…to see into his heart…

We talk, sometimes he makes stuff up…but what he says…its beautiful,,,its true to him…it serves as a manifestation of his heart…its what the world lacks…someone who taps into what is beautiful. Sometimes it feels as if he is talking to himself like he has been doing forever…sometimes he talks to me…like a regular person…something we haven’t done in years.

I always remember him being upset at what the world see as slight mishaps…perhaps something someone said or did…it bothered him for hours…often reoccurring in his mind sometimes maybe a month later…

Hyung, as I call him, has opened my heart to the universe. I hear what he rambles to himself…I come to understand why he gets upset…I want to know what he is thinking…

Schizophrenics are said to be in an imaginary world. My brother is known to be in an imaginary world…but who is closer to reality? We live our lives ignoring so many important issues…we lie to ourselves…we don’t answer to our hearts…we spend all of our time coping with what is essentially wrong…we dont answer to our heart…we don’t love in every sense of the word…we’re afraid to put our emotions on display...we accept denial…we pursue prestige…we envy…we lie…what can be more far from reality?

Maybe we have one purpose in life…we live our life for each other…we sacrifice everything we have for just one other person…Hyung does it for me. His life is a sacrifice…his whole life…it opens my eyes, my heart, my everything…with every day that he lives, reality for me exists…truth exists, honesty exists…as I am writing this, this damned Microsoft words tells me how I shouldn’t write this…for what? What is the importance of that? WHAT?

Hyung, I love you…you gave me everything I have…everything I know…everything I love…God gave you to me…one day we will know what God has in store…the world will change because of you…the world will know what love is…the world will know truth…because of you…because I remember everything…the bike rides, the kisses, the hugs, the pain, the abuse, the struggle, loving me with everything you had. We don’t show affection to each other lik we used to when I was little…your reality keeps us from doing it for now…just wait for me. With your every breath I learn something new…your existence…your “ailment” gives me passion…it gives me closure…it gives me faith…I cant even imagine what you had to go through…the trauma…even if you don’t know it now…you will know that I love you…the world doesn’t live the way you think it should…and it angers you to the core of your heart…and I understand…you’ve tried your hardest to be the person you want to be…and the world doesn’t bother to understand you…I know why youre upset…and youre right

one day we’ll be together again…

the way it used to be…

in beauty