It's always a refreshing experience when one looks back at the steps they have taken be it recent or not so recent. However, in my case, "refreshment" is not showing its face in the familiar form of contentment. The only "refreshment" I have experienced recently is shame...not necessarily shame of myself but shame in circumstance and nature.
Looking back on collegiate life I can remember a young freshman strait out of high school with a sponge of a mind. Everything was fascinating. The beauty of things...the nature of things...the purpose of things. Everything was worthy of debate as well. I do not really think these curiosities ever truly leave anyone at any point in time but they do certainly diminish (or augment) at certain stages of life. It's upsetting to me now to notice how my existence has ridden tides that don't sustain themselves.
For one, I'm definitely writing less... something I hoped years ago would never leave me. Although "blogging" is unfortunately misconstrued as some adolescent venue of ranting I have found the up most fulfillment with it. Looking back at when I was writing often, I do remember how my intellectual pursuits were stronger and frequent. I can't say the same about myself now...such a shame...a tragedy, truly.
As humans we must always, always, always strive for understanding of anything. We must be fascinated, we must be intrigued...by....life...vibrancy...existence. We can do this by thought, by sharing constantly, writing through any vehicle available (blogging for me, I suppose). It's an absolute shame that we stray away from a constant effort to exercise our most divine capabilities...the capability to truly be a human being, the capability of learning, teaching...sharing. That's what it is to be living...its such a shame how we (me!) can be so caught up with things that will deter our focus from truly living!
I feel as if though I have lost a certain fire. I feel as though I have forgotten that there is a world around me outside of what I think I may have figured out. There was a time that my energies were focused upwards... towards that abstract beauty...making sense of as best as humanly possible. Now my energies focus horizontally...to what is infront of me...my ambition...my career paths...is it perfectly normal of me to get caught up within routine...or what I may consider as "life"? Yes, its normal but it isn't right.
I wake up every morning thinking about how to throw farther and how to be a better trombonist. I enter sleep with the same intent and the next day is a carbon copy of the previous day. Yes, I do believe success does result from obsession...but this "success"...what is it? Why should it be idolized? The only thing we should idolize is our roles as human beings...and sadly, this is where I feel I have strayed from.
I do hope to rekindle old sparks that still linger. I'm not too busy nor will I ever be. God, please help me.
