Lately I have been buried into quite a bit of audition preparation and I have taken away a lot of small victories as well as some obvious failures. I am very happy with the recent progress I have made as a player and musician but I came to a very frightening crossroads that made me take a good look into myself as both an artist and a human being.
Both in life and in art, whether it is right or not, you are constantly being judged and perceived by an audience be it in a recital hall, audition panel, or in a cafe as you read a magazine. It's just the truth. In my opinion and experience, judgments made upon people can be good but can obviously be bad. I mean, you can see a woman dancing in the street and you can think, "wow, she's nutts"...or you can think, "ah, that's sweet"....either way you have made a judgment. Of course, the latter judgment is most pleasant and beneficial and we (me most definitely) should all strive to have such perceptions.
I am sad to realize however that much of my playing lately (despite, again, my satisfactory progress) has ventured too far into my hopes of how I should be perceived as a player and as a result have felt a slight diminishing of my personal voice as an artist. Now, I say " too far" because I do believe that a necessary part of us should be invested into how others may perceive our playing. I mean, gotta be in tune, must have correct rhythm, and the sound should at least not be "bad".
Wow, even as I am writing this, I feel a slight pause in my thoughts as I am keeping my reader in mind...as a result, I feel a bit limited in my thoughts...whew. Anyways, back to the post...
But, it concerned me quite a bit when a dear colleague of mine commented that my playing just sounded like I was judging myself...it was that apparent. I thought too myself, "wow, these types of comments just never came up to me in the past". Always, people complimented my sound, musicality...i mean, people definitely pointed out my issues with tuning and tempo but I could always walk away knowing that people sensed that I loved playing and that my sound was truly....mine. But this time, it was the opposite! It appalled me then and still does today even a few weeks later. How did this ever happen? My sound? You don't like my sound?! I mean, I suppose sound is a subjective issue that is relative to the listener but to have no opinion on my sound other than the fact that it didn't even deserve an opinion was something else. Everything else was right (the stuff that I had been working on), but the things that I could really depend on as my personal endearments of playing had taken a back seat...boy, was that a wake up call. I will forever be indebted to my colleagues who pointed this out to me.
This situation only caused a small panic to me. I know I can get back in touch with the elements of music making that I love so much because I know that whatever the things are that make music real to me are a part of who I am. I don't have have to search for these things, I just have to be myself again. Being criticized and judged are valuable things for musicians but I have concluded that only when I present who I truly am to listeners can I get the best and sound constructive criticism. Only then can I cultivate and build upon who I am as a musician.
So, lately this thought of, "don't be afraid of who you are", has compelled me a great deal. I mean, it is a common idea heard by everyone at least a million times but it is no simple matter. Stupid me of course, never paid much attention to a thought like this because my usual tendencies of arrogance get the better of me. "me not being myself? impossible!". Ha, yeah, right. I got a good slap in the face on that one. This doesn't just stay with music though. It must be apparent in our daily lives.
I mean, knowing and more importantly being who you are is so essential to happiness ...well, at least it has been for me recently. Understanding what makes you and recognizing it as good and perfect has been an important step for my personal life. Of course, we can all use tools for improvement...but it has to be for the pursuit of goodness. How will these improvements benefit you and the others around you. So we have to be very observant and conscious of what is good. And if the efforts are true, then we must trust that we are making the right decision. Maybe the first start is by not making such negative judgments about events and people. Or how about, being more open minded or committing ourselves to taking care of our bodies...etc.
So by god, if your eyes are brown, keep them brown! Or how about if you have a goofy laugh, well know that someone will love that about you. Don't try to change the way you speak. If you have a joyous high-pitched song of a voice, don't let someone tell you that you need to speak lower. If you have gorgeous hair, why try to mutate it to make it look like someone else... "someone else"...a dangerous, deathly mold to follow. I mean, the world is beautiful because different people exist.
Monotony is the birth of death. Death of art, thoughts, people, ideas, and the death of truth.
Many beautiful things in this world have become bland and vanilla due to the fact that the world has gravitated towards them and diluted their sense of "special"...why feed into that? Perhaps the great runner Steve Prefontaine embodies this the most clearly for me. "Pre" knew he wasnt the most gifted athlete. He knew he wasn't the most trained athlete...but he knew what he had and it made him successful....he believed in it! The ability to push himself unlike any other person, beyond pain, was his gift. He says, "to give anything less than my best is sacrificing the gift".
letting go of yourself means letting go of your gift...and more tragically, it means you have given up on who you are and no longer value it.
Art flourishes because people have something to say. Why then, do we lose ourselves. When we do so, we are not only a detriment to ourselves but truly, we are hurting the world and humanity by lacking any sort of offering.
The most precious gift we were given at birth is the gift of ourselves. Once we let it go, we are losing the gift. A musician will lose their voice, an actor will lose their brilliance, and a human being will lose their soul. Maybe occasionally we tend to let ourselves forget the gift, but we must fight to remember what our gifts are and look forward with them!
