Just got back from San Diego. Cool city. Nice weather. Great noodles!
But the main reason I went was to audition for the second trombone spot in the San Diego Symphony. The result? Obviously, a non-win. In fact, a rather disappointing moment during my audition that I'll never really forgive myself for. I know how this entry looks to be so far but this won't be a negative entry! Read on.
Before leaving for the audition, I felt that my playing was in great shape. I really took the time to keep my playing healthy (even turning down gigs for more than a few weeks leading up to the audition). I felt my overall general ability to play the horn was probably the best it had been in the last handful of years. I was stoked. Confident as can be. Aside from feeling good on the horn, I also got my head in the right place. My thoughts were amazing and my perspective was solid. Then came the audition.
From the time I showed up to the hall to the time I left the stage, I felt excited. Maybe a few rumbles of nervous energy but I was able to to keep it all in check (I tend to have issues with nerves so this was an awesome happening for me). And I'll say, without the help of beta blockers, which I am proud to have never used (not that I would consider anyone who uses them to be cheaters). I'm feeling pretty good as I play and BAM, I play a blatantly wrong note! Are you serious? A wrong friggin note? Not even a chipped note...a wrong note. Dammit. Yeah, I wouldn't want to hear more either. So I've taken my own beatings for that one. I need not to comment on that anymore. But, where does my mind go? Consumed with failure is the obvious answer but much to my delight, not so much.
Remember those "amazing thoughts" I had? Well, I developed a nice reminder for myself during the weeks leading up to this audition that spun from the progress I had been making. Something to the sound of, "No matter what happens. Win, lose...whatever. This will not change the fact that I love music and it will not decide if I want to be a musician or not. I know I love music and I know I want to be a musician. I'm taking this audition to present myself. When it's done, I'll leave...still a musician.". Though I had a funky audition, I felt a huge absence of anxiety lift from my shoulders as I walked out on stage. Up until my SUPREME screw up, I was playing free, the way I wanted to, and not at all sorry about it. So even if I committed an amazing mistake I will always benefit from remembering the way I was able to handle my thoughts during this whole process.
It has always been my goal to earn my way into a permanent spot with a major symphony orchestra. After several auditions, it has yet to happen (for me and a large majority of those who share my ambition). You can imagine what me and the many others in my shoes begin to think. "Will it ever happen? Should I do something else?".
Well, there's good news for me (and you). Even if I never win an audition, it won't change that fact that I love music and that I want to devote myself to music and it sure as hell won't depend on my success at auditions. Still, I'll take as many auditions as I can but my life will not be doomed if things don't pan out the way I thought it should. This is something that I feel a lot of music students don't hear in school. A lot of us can become consumed by failure to the point where we begin to forget how brave we were willing to be in order to devote ourselves to something that we love so dearly. A lot of us "orchestra minded musicians" fail to notice the wide spectrum of the amazing universe of music. It goes weellll beyond executing orchestral excerpts in the most weirdly perfect way. Think about how much of a shame it is to sum up your worthiness as a musician based purely on your ability to master 20-25 little snippets of music?
So I guess I have to start bringing this together. What do I ultimately want to convey in this little rant?
I'll quote Dee Stewart via Toby Oft, two highly accomplished musicians.. "Auditions can't be the most important thing".
The most important thing is the personal relationship and devotion we have to music.
Meanwhile, when not in a professional orchestra full time, what can musicians do to make it work?
Ah yes, freelance! Work to thrive in a wide spectrum of venues and circumstances. Extend your abilities beyond what you might have thought were already defined. Teach others to contribute to the world in which you love so much. This is ultimately what should define the freelance music life.
I have written several blog entries over time and I remember writing about some very similar thoughts as a younger version of myself during my underclassmen days in college (also in my college entrance essays). I'll say that a lot of my life has taken me away from several convictions I used to have but I will say my proudest musical moment is now...just realizing that at least this thought has stayed consistent over time.
